I was checking into my departure flight out of London and it was taking an unusually long time. as I was standing in line waiting to talk to an attendant, I scanned them, noting which ones laughed and smiled a lot, and noting which ones poked people in the sternum with accusatory fingers. and lo and behold!, it was my turn, and the meanest attendant of all beckoned me carelessly as he scowled at his desk of messy papers and yawned and I counted eight cavities in his cavernous mouth. he was, naturally, extremely rude, and extremely patronizing, and extremely long-winded.
him: has anyone, anyone at all, handed you something and asked you to hold it for them?
me: no, that hasn't happened.
him: do you understand what that question means?
me: uh, when someone does something that's, umm, and it --
him: will you wait right here, please?
damn. I mean, I know that my demographic (young, caucasian, female college student) is known for our frenetic rampages of merciless violence, but geez. I found myself cursing my complete inability to make my inherent evil more inconspicuous. before I knew it, I was being escorted through the airport to a special room in which I was stripsearched as a team of air reps went through my bags, squeezing out my shampoo, unwrapping the lovely presents I had bought for my siblings, confiscating my tweezers and my ballpoint pen. naturally there was nothing underneath my clothes except for my dangerously cool gonzo underwear that I had worn for three weeks straight, but here's the thing -- even though they scanned my two bags about fity times and meticulously examined all of the pieces to my traveling chess set and crammed eager hands into every pocket and took my dangerous tweezers, they did not find the swiss army knife I had bought in chamonix, or the pepper spray that I take everywhere, both of which were lying at the very bottom of my bag, in plain site.
the austin airport was another matter entirely. it was practically empty when I landed, and I cartwheeled through it to gate six, where shaun landed two hours later. I rolled around on the floor, I made animals out of origami paper I bought and made an airport forest. I even helped the cleaning lady vacuum the floor with her enormous vacuum. I live very far north in austin at the moment, and I am moving to a lovely little house in central austin in about a week, so I have packing that's a'waitin; I hope you are not bored. be mysterious and elegant. stamp out pragmatic utilitarianism and go hug a cute, furry woodland creature.
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