porn, super porn
when dreaming ends.
2006-01-08 | 10:37 a.m.

these are pictures from thailand. I would have taken more artful & elegant pictures of the fragile forest tendrils looping towards the musk mist rising from the mulch on the ground, or the ocean water. placid. its top like a jagged uncut jade, touched from under, touching white sands but for god's sake what is the point. you know the look of water and wind. if you really are curious then go buy a goddamn postcard.

that expression: wherever you go, there you are. they all say it. the corners of their mouth lift, almost smug, say it like they have been there and met themselves and got to know one another over drinks, cranberry & vodka. gin n tonic. there I went and there I was! though I know what it really means now. inside. if anyone can.
every tincture-tinted morning before school my maudlin mess of a mother would make us recite 'every day in every way I am getting better and better.' each day, in every day. lies. I will be in south africa in three days, still smashed into this skinner's box made for me, arbitrary levers, every day in every way and hope is something you cling to, like a raft to safe water, but it is tenuous and just-out-of-grasp. every day in every way. way. as if there is a way a ladder that will lift me from this life, a customer service desk where I can file my various complaints on the natures of life, as if there is any seraphic flashlight to shine into the future. which is dark, which I will have to grope around in its obtuse state, hoping desperately I will bump accidentally into myself. know-nothing. recently someone called me a 'washed-out, cocaine-eyed, sloppy-mouthed orphan from some spoiled family' and I was like HELL YES RIGHT ON LET'S DO THIS THING.


I spent my new year's eve here.


the curtain call.

last entry next entry